Pop music: 1858

The arrangements having been carried out as pre-ordained, the marriage took place in the Chapel Royal of St. James's Palace. A little before eleven the great Officers of State and others who were to take part in the ceremonial began to arrive at Buckingham Palace, while the band of the Grenadier Guards played Mendelssohn's famous "Wedding March" in the quadrangle. Soon afterwards, the principal actors began to quit the Palace for St. James's.... ...Lastly appeared the Queen, and her daughter the bride, in a state carriage with cream coloured horses.

--From The Gentleman's Magazine--

Don't you hate it when people use pop music in their wedding ceremony instead of something traditional?

Jägerbomb: 1661

That the Woman shall abhore Copulation and the man shall desire it.

If a red Bull's pisle be poured and a crown weight be given the woman to drink in wine or broth, she will abhore to lye with a man. But the same powder mingled with fit Ingredients will provoke men that are dull and impotent to Vencrous Acts.

--From Eighteen books of the secrets of art and nature--

1. Look at the first sentence and consider the marriage problem this recipe was meant to help.

2. I can definitely see how sneaking bull's piss into a woman's drink, and then maybe telling her about it, would make her not want to sleep with a man; especially if "the man" was the one who gave her the drink.

3. Women back then probably wouldn't want to leave their drinks unattended, but for entirely different reasons than those of today.

4. O. Henry could do wonders with this premise, à la The Gift of the Magi.

Fertility treatment: 1668

At this time the court fell into much extravagance in masquerading; both king and queen, and all the court, went about masked, and came into houses unknown, and danced there with a great deal of wild frolic. In all this people were so disguised, that without being on the secret none could distinguish them. They were carried about in hackney chairs. Once the queen's chairmen, not knowing who she was, went from her: so she was alone, and was much disturbed, and came to Whitehall in a hackney coach: some say it was in a cart. The duke of Buckingham proposed to the king, that he would give him leave to steal her away, and send her to a plantation, where she should be well and carefully looked to, but never heard of any more; so it should be given out, that she had deserted; and upon that it would fall in with some principles to carry an act for a divorce, grounded upon the pretence of a wilful desertion. Sir Robert Murray told me, that the king himself rejected this with horror. He said, it was a wicked thing to make a poor lady miserable, only because she was his wife, and had no children by him, which was no fault of hers.

--From History of his own Times--

Other options that were suggested included polygamy.

Germ warfare: 1665

She began by degrees to slacken in her constant coming to prayers and to sacrament, in which she had been before that regular, almost to superstition. She put that on her ill health: for she fell into an ill habit of body, which some imputed to the effect of some of the duke's distempers communicated to her. A story was set about, and generally believed, that the earl of Southesk, that had married a daughter of duke Hamilton's, suspecting some familiarities between the duke and his wife, had taken a sure method to procure a disease to himself, which he communicated to his wife, and was by that means set round till it came to the duchess, who was so tainted with it, that it was the occasion of the death of all her children, except the two daughters, our two queens; and was believed the cause of an illness under which she languished long, and died so corrupted, that in dressing her body after her death, one of her breasts burst, being a mass of corruption. Lord Southesk was for some years not ill pleased to have this believed. It looked like a peculiar strain of revenge, with which he seemed much delighted.

--From History of his own Times--

 I believe they are talking about syphilis.

Family values: 1685

The king had a very numerous issue, though none by his queen. The duke had by both his wives, and some irregular amours, a very numerous issue.

--From History of his own Times--

 Strong, traditional, Christian, family values.

Living simply: 1889

There are so many dainty things for the adornment of modern tables, that come to my notice when I visit my friends on the main-land, from the exquisitely embroidered pieces for the center of the table, the napkins for the tea-pot and cups, for the carver, for the roast potatoes and for corn, for the bread and cake-plates, to the dainty doylies for the finger-bowls, that one becomes bewildered, hardly knowing what to choose.

Many people think formal silverware is confusing, but there used to be all sorts of special plates, bowls and table linens that went along with it.

One can keep house with a few table-cloths...

The magazine has hired a Quaker to give newlyweds some simple folk wisdom on how to set up a household. She'll cut down on the bewildering array of table cloths:

I would have one very handsome table-cloth, with large dinner napkins to match; one breakfast cloth, with napkins to match, which of course will be a smaller size; one lunchcloth, which can be colored, if preferred, with napkins to match; and to these can be added four other table-cloths and two dozen napkins, and two heavy table-cloths for kitchen use, which can be bought by the yard.

There you go, you only really need nine table cloths.

Everyone who reads this should take a moment and wonder if they need all the extra table cloths which I'm sure they have, being overly complicated modern people.

--From Good Housekeeping--

Women in the media: circa 900

...I am head of my family and mistress over men and slaves and servants. I have here a ship laden with merchandise...

An independent business woman.

"O sister, what wilt thou do with this handsome young man?" "I purpose to make him my husband," answered I; and I turned to the prince and said, "O my lord, I have that to propose to thee, in which I will not have thee cross me: and it is that, when we reach Baghdad, I will give myself to thee as a handmaid in the way of marriage, and thou shalt be my husband and I thy wife."

And not afraid to ask a man to marry her either.

--From The Book of the Thousand Nights and One Night--

A good man: circa 900

After a while, they said to me, "O sister, we desire to marry again, for we can no longer endure to live without husbands." "O my dear ones," answered I, "there is no good in marriage, for now-a-days good men are rare to find; nor do I see the advantage of marrying again, since ye have already made trial of matrimony and it has profited you nothing."

--From The Book of the Thousand Nights and One Night--

Now-a-days?

Life before sex ed: 1861

I have previously stated, that the French condoms will prevent conception, but the objection to them is, they are troublesome, liable to be torn in coition, prevent the full sexual enjoyment, as they do not allow that reciprocal warmth of the male and female genitals which is necessary, as it prevents their coming in contact except through the covering, which often chafes and irritates the female parts, and will if used for any great number of times, cause seminal weakness, debility and Impotency in the male.

Condoms make you impotent! Other means of birth control which wouldn't work (or would also cause impotency) included the rhythm method and withdrawal.

You had to be careful:

Prolonging the venereal act will also cause seminal disease and impotency.

And don't even think about touching yourself or you'd end up like this:

Ways to prevent pregnancy included:

Dancing, and urinating immediately after... ...Riding a trotting horse, or any excreise, that will agitate the ovum before it is securely located... ...strong catharties, all stimulating fluids, victuals that will promote thirst, bathing soon after coition...

Of course if you wanted a method sure to work, you had to send the author 5 dollars.

...those who should be eternally cursed are the unprincipled quacks, who palm off their injurious and nauseating stuff for money...

Yes, watch out for quacks.

--From Medical adviser and marriage guide--

Desperate Housewives: 398

In a word, while many matrons, who had milder husbands, yet bore even in their faces marks of shame, would in familiar talk blame their husbands' lives, she would blame their tongues, giving them, as in jest, earnest advice: "That from the time they heard the marriage writings read to them, they should account them as indentures, whereby they were made servants; and so, remembering their condition, ought not to set themselves up against their lords." And when they, knowing what a choleric husband she endured, marvelled that it had never been heard, nor by any token perceived, that Patricius had beaten his wife, or that there had been any domestic difference between them, even for one day, and confidentially asking the reason, she taught them her practice above mentioned. Those wives who observed it found the good, and returned thanks; those who observed it not, found no relief, and suffered.

--From The Confessions of Saint Augustine--

 That was some interesting marital advice.

Desperate Housewives, 1852 edition

Her first and imperative duty is to make herself acquainted with the extent of her husband's income, its resources and its limits, and to resolve with firmness to regulate her household with such prudent and proper economy as not to exceed it.

From this resolution, as she hopes for the maintenance and continuance of a happy home, unshaken by creditors, unthreatened by poverty, let no consideration, no ridiculous pride, no assumption of a position beyond her means, suffer her to depart; her future welfare, and that of her husband and children, depend in a great measure upon her perseverance in this determination.

--From The Illustrated London Cookery Book--

Reading this book and seeing what kind of ideas would be going through a traditional housewife's mind, I'm wondering if the housewife-dissing feminists were really feminists at all. From the perspective of 1852, they kind of sound like stuck-up rich people.

By the way, the stove pictured was an economy model and took a pound of coal an hour to keep going. It could cook for a dozen people, and was considered portable.

Sticking together, circa 1 AD

Can you imagine either of them with anyone else?

The purpose of marriage circa 1722

...it was requisite to a whore to be handsome, well-shaped, have a good mien and a graceful behaviour; but that for a wife, no deformity would shock the fancy, no ill qualities the judgment; the money was the thing; the portion was neither crooked nor monstrous, but the money was always agreeable, whatever the wife was.

--From Moll Flanders--

I think I have to put "traditional family values" in scare quotes from now on.