Waterboarding: 1632

Then the Tormentor having charged the first passage about my body (making fast by a device each torture as they were multiplied) he went to an earthen Jarre standing full of water, a little beneath my head: from whence carrying a pot full of water; in the bottome whereof, there was an incised hole, which being stopd by his thumb, till it came to my mouth, hee did powre it in my bellie; the measure being a Spanish Sombre, which is an English Potle: The first and second services I gladly receaved, such was the scorching drouth of my tormenting payne, and likewise I had drunke none for three dayes before.

But afterward, at the third charge, perceiving these measures of water to be inflicted upon me as tortures, O strangling tortures! I closed my lips, gaine-standing that eager crudelity.

Whereat the Alcalde inraging, set my teeth asunder with a payre of iron cadges, detayning them there, at every severall turne, both mainely and manually; whereupon my hunger-clungd bellie waxing great, grew Drum-like imbolstered : for it being a suffocating payne, in regard of my head hanging downeward, and the water reingorging it selfe in my throat with a strugling force; it strangled and swallowed up my breath from youling and groaning.

--From The totall discourse of the rare adventures...--

It's only not torture when Americans do it.

Traditional western medicine: 1632

And not far from this Garden, in a sandy Desart, is the place called Mommeis, which are innumerable Caves cut foorth of a Rocke, whereunto the Corpes of the most men in Cayro, are carried and interred. Which dead bodies remayne alwayes unputrified, neyther yeeld they a stinking smell: Whereof experiments are plentiful at this day, by the whole Bodies, Hands, or other parts, which by Merchants are now brought from thence, and doth make the Mummia which Apothecaries use: The colour being very blacke, and the flesh clung unto the bones.

--From The totall discourse of the rare adventures...--

So, pharmacists would take the mummified copes of humans and use them in medicine. The tiger penises they use in traditional Chinese medicine sound pretty tame in comparison.

Fiji water: 1632

The water of Jordan hath beene transported to Venice in barrels, for that purity it hath; which will reserve unspoiled, both moneths and yeares, and the longer it is kept, it is the more fresher; and to drinke it, is an excellent remedy for the fever quartan or quotidian, being neare in vertue to the Wine of Libanon.

--From The totall discourse of the rare adventures...--

The modern version isn't allowed to make those sort of health claims, but they're kind of assumed.

Drug addiction: 1632

But when I perceived, his extraordinary service and flattery, was onely to have a share of the Tobacco I carried with me, I freely bestowed a pound thereof upon him: Which he and his fellowes tooke as kindly, as though it had beene a pound of gold, for they are excessively adictted to smoake, as Dutch men are to the Pot...

--From The totall discourse of the rare adventures...--

I'm sure he doesn't mean the same thing by "pot" as we do, but the Dutch are still known for it.

Istanbul (Not Constantinople): 1632

Constantinople is the Metropolitan of Thracia, so called of Constantine the Emperour, who first enlarged the same : It was called of old Bizantium, but now by the Turkes Stambolda, which signifieth in their language, a large City : It was also called Ethuse, and by the Greekes Stymbolis.

Yup, that made a great song:


--From The totall discourse of the rare adventures...--

A trip to Candy Island: 1632

Leaving them with many counterfeit thankes, I travelled that day seaven and thirty miles, and at night attained to the unhappy Village of Pickehorno: where I could have neither meate, drinke, lodging, nor any refreshment to my wearied body. These desperate Candiots thronged about me, gazing (as though astonished) to see me both want company, and their Language, and by their cruell lookes, they seemed to be a barbarous and uncivill people: For all these High-landers of Candy, are tyrannicall, blood-thirsty, and deceitfull. The consideration of which and the appearance of my death, signed to me secretly by a pittifull woman, made me to shun their villany in stealing forth from them in the darke night, and privately sought for a secure place of repose in a umbragious Cave by the Sea side, where I lay till morning with a fearefull heart, a crased body, a thirstie stomacke, and a hungry belly.

--From The totall discourse of the rare adventures...--

Don't you hate it when people go on vacation, then come back and complain about all the small inconveniences they had to put up with, like they were on the worst trip ever?

Brand extensions: 1632

Infinit citations could I produce, of such like intolerable attributs, besides the dividing of her in a 1000 stiles, The Virgin viz. The Lady of the wines, Lady of the oyles, Lady of the cornes, Lady of the woods, Lady of the mountains, Lady of the meeds, Lady of the sheepe and goats, Lady of the springs, Lady of the fire, Lady of the shepheards; from earthquakes, thunder and fire-flashes, Lady of the Angels which is at Asisi in Ombria, Lady of miracles in divers places, Florence, &c. Lady of life in Bullogna newly found, Lady of all noble Ladies, and Nunnes, Lady of the galley-slaves, Lady of shipwracking seas, Lady of rivers and waters, Lady of young children, and orphanes, Lady of all consolation, Lady of pure Virgins, Lady of distressed widdows, Lady of the sicke, and women with child, &c. Besides the powerfull Lady of Mountserrata in Catalogna, the aforesayd miraculous Lady of Loretta, and the clementious Ile-ruling Lady of Trapundy in Sicilia, &c.

--From The totall discourse of the rare adventures...--

Lady of dark chocolate, Lady of diet dark chocolate, Lady of dark chocolate with orange, Lady of easy blog posts...

The Exorcist: 1632

Another time, comming backe from my second Travels in Affricke, it was my lucke to stumble in here againe, where I saw an old Capuschin Frier conjuring the Divell out of a possessed woman, who had stayed there, and two men keeping her above eighteene moneths, being twise a day brought before the Chappell. The Frier stood up before her, the two men holding both her armes; and sayd, laying his formost finger on her brow ; In nomine Patris, &c....

--From The totall discourse of the rare adventures...--

Just something you see in the street. Happens all the time. No big deal.

The decline of manhood: 1632

O miserable and effeminate age! when vertue by most men is despised, and neglected, and sensuall vice every where exalted : Nay; ruffian Pandors, by hopefull youth and prodigall gallants, are now clothed, Coatched, and richly rewarded; whilst best merits and highest deserts, of rarest spirits, are neither looked to, set by, nor regarded.

--From The totall discourse of the rare adventures...--

 Every man since 1590: total pussy.

Antonyms: 1632

If I have made use of my poore Talent, the profit redoundeth unto my Country; which being shaddowed under your auspicuous Favour, shall leave a greater stampe to the Worke, and a deeper impression, of future knowledge, to the curious Understanders.

--From The totall discourse of the rare adventures...--

Are you a curious understander, or are you... ? What's the opposite of a curious understander? An incurious knower? An incurious know-nothing?

Modern(e): 1632

--From The totall discourse of the rare adventures...--

"Modern" and the concept of modernity pre-dates spelling.