Why that hot chick/dude doesn't dig you: 1605

Heaven, as you say, made me handsome, and to such a degree, that my beauty influences you to love me whether you will or no. And in return for the love you bear me, you pretend and insist that I am bound to love you. I know by the natural sense God has given me, that whatever is beautiful is amiable; but I do not comprehend that merely for being loved the person that is loved for being handsome is obliged to return love for love. Besides, it may chance that the lover of the beautiful person may be ugly; and what is ugly deserving to be loathed, it would sound oddly to say, I love you for being handsome; you must love me though I am ugly.

--From Don Quixote de la Mancha--

And this was in a comedy!

The big four-oh: 1807

Now this care ought to he used in the time of manhood, that is, about the fortieth year of a man's age, when the beauty of a man is at the height.

--From La Belle assemblée--

Breast augmentation: 1902

--From The Delineator--

Perhaps instead of worrying about the sexualization of our culture we should worry when it becomes desexualized.

Spanx: 1893

Elastic ribbed union suits cover the entire body like an additional skin. Fitting like a glove, but softly and without pressure. No buttons down the front. Made for men, women and young people. Most convenient to put on, being entered at the top and drawn on like trousers. With no other kind of underwear can ladies obtain such perfect fit for dresses or wear comfortably so small a corset.

--From The Delineator--

 Being happy with the way your body is, is really kind of unusual.

Consumerism: 1661

What sort of toiletries would a person in 1661 be interested in?

A range of hair dyes:

To make your Hair yellow.

To make your Hair red.

To dye Hair black.

pimple cream:

For a red face full of pimples.

tooth whitener:

A powder to keep the teeth white.

deodorant:

Against the ill smell of the arm pits.

skin lighteners:

That the skin may be exceeding white.

and self tanners:

A water to make the face black.

--From Eighteen books of the secrets of art and nature--

But I thought it was only advertising that made people want these things!

Full Brazilian: 1661

There are some interesting entries in this book:

That hairs may fall, and none grow again.

and:

A dipilitory whereby a hairy place is made bald.

which leave you wondering exactly what they are talking about, because they only mention hairy places in general. Did people back then want bald heads? However this entry, which seems at first to be about something else, makes what they are talking about perfectly clear:

That Children may never have Beards.

That Boys and Girls may never have hair grow on their secrets [vaginas] or beards, annoint the privities [privates]...

 --From Eighteen books of the secrets of art and nature--

Why were they interested in depilatating their genitalia? The asumptions I would make from a modern perspective might include:

1. From being exposed to nude sculptures/paintings depicting people with such attributes.

2. Because they were exposed to many sexual partners and/or found it sexually enticing.

3. Health concerns (lice).

Obviously, these recipes may have been intended for professionals, not the general population, or they may have been oddities meant to provide insight into medicine. But considering how the author talked about breast and vaginal restoration in this book, I'm going with my second assumption.

Breast augmentation: 1661

That Womens Breasts may be made like to Virgins Breasts.

...it is proved by experience, that a scale Fish laid to Womens breasts, will so bind them together, that they will look like Virgins breasts. The same may be done to the Secrets [We know what that word means!]. Let those who are given to pleasure and ornament prick up their ears.

--From Eighteen books of the secrets of art and nature--

 Over the past few day's reading I've come to the conclusion that many of the medical technologies we have qualms about today--breast (and vaginal) cosmetic surgery, genetic engineering of offspring, chemical castration--would have been used in the past. They even tried using them, they just didn't have the means to make them work.

Designer babies: 1661

How well coloured and fair Children may be begotten.

Great is the affection of the mind, or force of imagination, but greatest of all when it exceeds: what is it you may not do almost by it? Women when they are with Child, when they desire most eagerly, think of it vehemently, they change the spirits within, and in them are painted forms of the things they thought of; those move the blood, whereupon in the softest matter of the Child they imprint the form...

--From Eighteen books of the secrets of art and nature--

Changing the child in the womb so they appeal to the superficial whims of parents: an issue that society never dealt with before the advent genetic engineering!

Rocket propulsion: 1668

You may make Figures of what shape your fancy best pleaseth: the body must be made of light wicker rods, and in the midst of the body let there be placed an axel-tree, having two Wheels coming into the water, yet so as they may not be seen: these Wheels must be made hollow, to contain a quantity of sand or water: the use of it is to keep the body of your Figure upright, and able to sink it so far into the water as is needful, and likewise to make it swim more steady: note that these Wheels must be lose, and the axel-tree fast: in the midst of the axel-tree place three or four Rockets one by another, with their mouths all one way: yet so provided that there may be such a distance between each Rocket, that there may come a vent from the tayl of the first to the mouth of the second, and from the second to the third. And to the end that may continue the longer in motion, you may place divers lights about the Body, to make it more beautiful; every of which lights extinguishing shall give a report, and so conclude.

--From A Rich Cabinet--

If you were watching a fireworks display in 1668 you might be sitting on a boat, or on the shore of a river. Rocket-propelled mermaids and whales would float by, covered in lights that made loud noises as they went out. Someone would have built a small castle, from the door of which a dragon would emerge, spitting flames. Then Neptune, riding on a sea-horse would fight him. There would be fountains of fire, and other such wonders, but there also would be a real story and a clear demonstration of art involved.

With our high-flying fireworks displays of today, that's something we hardly ever see. I can only imagine what it must have been like, because I've never seen a fireworks display that sounds half as good as one of theirs. Fireworks just seem kind of boring to me, and compared to what used to be done with them, they are.

Photoshop: 1794

I've seen lots of older paintings in museums and am always amazed at how beautiful the people in them look, but also skeptical. Forget about smallpox scars, this was a time before Clearasil with very little bathing; there's no way the painters painted exactly what they saw.

Bonus music selection:

Death

Sometimes it becomes you.

Clouds

I've read about, but never seen, people who paint only clouds. I'd like to see a room full of canvases painted by old masters, of nothing but bits of sky with clouds in them. Or an entire museum; each room a different time or weather condition. How lovely that would be!

Homoeroticism: circa 900

His face shone like the moon at its full and he seemed as if he had just come from the bath, with his rosy cheeks and flower-white forehead and mole like a grain of ambergris, even as says the poet:

Within one mansion of the sky the sun and moon combine; With all fair fortune and delight of goodliness they shine. Their beauty stirs all those that see to passion and to love: Good luck to them, for that they move to ravishment divine! In grace and beauty they increase and aye more perfect grow: All souls yearn out to them for love, all hearts to them incline. Blessed be God, whose creatures are so full of wonderment! Whate'er He wills He fashions forth, even as He doth design.

--From The Book of the Thousand Nights and One Night--

That was one man describing another man. It sounds homoerotic, but it was just how straight men acted. It's kind of like what Kenneth Anger (my obsession this weekend) was able to capture in Scorpio Rising:



Anger says in the director's commentary that he was surprised at what the guys in the motorcycle club he was filming did and that they made it seem more queer than even he thought it was.

Another similarity, in both the poem above and the movie, God makes an appearance.

Feminism: 1822

Is a woman tolerably handsome? She is not allowed to be so quietly. Wherever she goes, she is accosted in the language of adulation: in public places and in private conversation: a gentleman can scarcely address a sentence to her without seasoning it with a little flattery; not in praise of her sense, her knowledge, or the justness of her sentiments, but of her shape, her air, her face, or some hitherto undiscovered charm. In short she is taught by their behavior to believe that there is nothing amiable, or praise worthy in a woman unconnected with beauty. And even men who are esteemed to be uncommonly sensible and discerning, often pay more respect to a pretty face, though its owner be an idiot, than to a lady of an improved and polished understanding, if she does not excel in exterior form. Since this is the case, is it not reasonable to suppose that women will pay most attention to their appearance, and spend much time (which might be better employed,) in decorating their persons, and setting them off to advantage?

--From Masonic miscellany and ladies' literary magazine--

This is why after all the victories of feminism, women still read Cosmo to find out how to please a man.

Thighmaster, 1836 edition

Introducing the exercise craze that's sweeping the nation! We call it "the wand":



Order now and receive a free roll of rope, allowing you to convert "the wand" into "the bar":



(Not affiliated with "the stick" or "the stick, with string".)

Beauty tips, 1836 edition

How to write a letter:



The injurious effect produced upon the figure by leaning in the manner indicated by fig. 12, must be evident to any one, who will compare the position of fig. 12 with that of fig. 14, or even fig. 13. Mr. Shaw, a gentleman who has written very learnedly upon this subject, recommends, in cases where the body has a decided inclination to the left when writing, to equalize the shoulders, by placing a book under the left elbow; and, if this should not be found sufficient, to balance a book on the head.

--From The Lady's Book--

"Why do you have a book on your head?"

"I'm writing a letter to Grandma."

"Okay..."

Clearasil, 1823 edition

To such females as are determined to make use of cosmetics, instead of attending to the more effectual means to preserve the bloom of the skin, it may be of service to point out one or two external applications, in order to prevent them from resorting to the dangerous and destructive contrivances of quacks.—According to Dr. Withering, a physician of great eminence at Birmingham, an infusion of horse-radish in milk, makes one of the safest and best cosmetics.

To deal with pimples they recommended a mixture of horseradish and milk. Both milk, fresh from a cow, and horseradish have antibacterial properties, so the remedy is at least plausible.

However:

Carefully avoid all immoderate and violent dancing, as the sudden alternations of heat and cold, not only impair the general state of the skin, but are likewise of the greatest detriment to beauty. Abstain from the too frequent and copious use of heating liquors of every kind, particularly punch and strong wines. Avoid, farther, every excess in hot drinks, as coffee, chocolate, tea, particularly the last. Tea taken hot, and in immoderate quantities, not only has a tendency to weaken the organs of digestion, but it causes fluctuations and congestions in the humours of the face, and frequently brings on a degree of debilitating perspiration.

--From A Modern System of Domestic Cookery--

Vanity, 1722 edition

I dressed me to all the advantage possible, I assure you, and for the first time used a little art; I say for the first time, for I had never yielded to the baseness of paint before, having always had vanity enough to believe I had no need of it.

--From Moll Flanders--

If you think you're beautiful why would you put on make-up? Doesn't every dab and stroke say you think you're ugly?